And the heavens shall declare his righteousness: for God is judge himself. Selah.
I want to be a better person. I want to grow spiritually. I want to change. I want to walk in a new way. The only way to change, however, is to first acknowledge where I am. What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses? Where do I keep messing up over and over and over again? And most importantly, where do I stand in terms of my relationship with God?
I admit that in the morning, when the world is quiet, before the day has begun, that God is my refuge and strength. I declare that in the evening, after the day is over, my God and I have a reunion. But in the middle of the day, in the midst of the noise and confusion, work and kids... I struggle to maintain a strong, intimate relationship with God. I struggle to hold my peace in the face of challenges. I struggle to keep my ego in check. I struggle to lean not to my own understanding, even though I know for myself that God is the only way.
Now is the time for me to take a long, hard, courageously honest look at myself. It is time for introspection. I looked up the definition of introspection and it means the examination or observation of ones own mental and emotional processes. Synonyms are self analysis, self examination, reflections, and soul searching. But how? How do I deep into the recesses of my soul? How do I examine what is right in my life and what needs changing? How do I give myself a spiritual check up to analyze if I am keeping God's commandments? That I am living within the framework of the covenant?
Some people meditate. Some people run. Some people go fishing. As for me, I write. 20 minutes of unedited, unadulterated, pure truth. 20 minutes of judging myself harshly, of being unashamedly real about where I have fallen short, messed up, hurt people, hurt myself.
And when I'm done, to bring myself back to center, I remember that God is judge himself. And that He is a forgiving God. Much more ready to forgive me than I am ready to forgive myself. He is a God of love, and He loves me unconditionally. In spite of my shortcomings. This doesn't mean that I shouldn't work harder and strive to do better. It inspires me to mirror the love that God has shown me, and to be a reflection of His forgiveness in my daily walk. Today is the day that I will declare His righteousness, for God himself is judge.